if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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