Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
