don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
