listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
