Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
