hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
