Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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