Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
