Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
