Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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