toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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