put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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