Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize