chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
