Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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