somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She bit a glass in half.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize