he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
