You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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