He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
