i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
