My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
