fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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