party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize