So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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