I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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