I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
