I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
