my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
