it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
