Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
