I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
