I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
