he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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