oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
