I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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