She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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