Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
