I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
