You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
