She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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