three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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