then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i don't like sucking hair
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
