I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
