I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
