"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
