i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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