maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
