I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
