My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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