There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
