Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
