Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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