I'm going to jail i love you
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
