We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
