he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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