we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
