Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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